Where's the cricket mate?
The IPL III has begun and one has been a silent watcher of the same over the past 3 days. Many an enthusiast has written previews and reviews of the games played till now and one believes that they are doing a far better job of it than what self could ever manage. Hence the first post on IPL 2010 on this blog is going to be about the bells and whistles of the package.
The IPL has been derided by many a knowledgeable people to consist of more entertainment than cricket. In the local lingo we call it ‘char anyachi kombdi aani ek rupayacha masala’ (25 cents worth of chicken cooked in one dollar’s worth of spices). Who is one to disagree with the majority of the right thinking purists? One is either with them or against them. Has this been said somewhere before? Naah! Never!
The telecast of a typical IPL match starts with Extraa Innings, which is supposedly an analysis of the upcoming game. The title itself is an oxymoron. If SETMAX really wants to show us an Extraa Innings, shouldn’t it be after the two normal innings are done and dusted with. The supposed explanation is that most of the anchors and experts are ‘extras’ in the movie where the main actors are the players. It doesn’t wash with us purists. How many times has the world scene an ‘extra’ like a Navjot Sidhu wearing a flower pot as a jacket, mouth Shakespeare, Ghalib and his home made Sidhuisms? Never is the answer that springs to one’s mind.
Then there is our dear Arun Lal who talks like a dewd. It has been heard that Abhay Deol has nightmares about a remake of his movie Dev D. There the protagonist drinks like a Whale, smokes like a chimney and even goes high on drugs. Dew D is only a documentary on how and when dew falls and how much a matter of life and death it is to the protagonist. It’s actually a matter of life for Arun, a matter of death by boredom to the viewer.
Moving on, the other 20 some things standing at the ground trying to sound peppy and knowledgeable at the same time, discuss with Sunny ‘bhai’, the most obvious aspects of the game. Gaurav Kapur was a good VJ but as one of the CJ (Cricket Jockey) he pokes fun at himself, completely unknowingly, pleasing all those poor souls who had suffered from his jibes.
It seems Angad Bedi doesn’t regret his decision to choose acting over cricket. Well he may not. But one is very sure that most viewers do. If only he had chosen cricket, they would all be spared the ‘emotional atyachar’ they suffer. One hates to say it but even Mandira was better. What does Bishen have to say about his son’s acting skills is one really interesting story waiting to be told.
The viewer heaves a sigh of relief once the match is about to begin. Anything better than this mindless buffoonery, he thinks. But just like a Russian epic novel from early 20th century, depicting a Russian peasant’s sad life, their suffering has no end.
The viewer now gets bombarded by ads which plead with him to buy handphones manufactured by the Micromaxes, Videocons and Karbonns of the world. Akshay Kumar, it seems, earned crores to act like his normal self, i.e. a fully retarded smiling oaf. Abhishek B, gives a viewer many Ideas about places to put his fingers in and Imran Khan (the new age AK – read fully retarded non-smiling oaf) gulps Coke down his throat as if he is drinking poison.
In between all these acts, the viewer gets to watch SRK talking to Lara, Katrina Kaif watching the match with an intelligent(?) look on her face, Shilpa Shetty asking her hubby why is Yusuf walking to the dugout despite being at the end from where the thrower was throwing the ball and some such.
That ends a typical IPL game for a viewer. Where was the cricket? critics may ask. Well, why do you think Brian Lara was mentioned in the piece, dear critic?
This is how a piece written by Hideous Gaigh will look like.
Now let one start with one’s views on the IPL.